My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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