I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
