Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I am mentally ready for anal.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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