i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My hand turned me down
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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