I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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