i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
