I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
