glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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