i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
