why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
