Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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