god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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