I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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