my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Randomize
