How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
