He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
