i barfeds in our rink
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Damn victory sex feels great
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
