I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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