is your mom at the bar?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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