I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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