And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
