I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
