At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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