please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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