i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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