She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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