Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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