Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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