Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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