I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
