what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
