just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
