i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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