I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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