i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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