I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
