I want you more than these girls want KFC
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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