ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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