And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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