dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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