I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
