So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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