I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
