I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
