hell yes lets make some ravioli
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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