4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
