perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
