things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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