I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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