Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
